Of the seemingly unending reasons I cannot rid my heart of hate, the one stoking the burn currently is the chain letter/email.

I just received one from a well meaning relation who is helping to connect me with an organization where I would like to work, so I am in the habit of opening all of her messages.

Especially one marked “DO NOT DELETE” because I’m a sucker. When I realized the message was for idiots and suckers only, and I had opened it, the hate in my heart made a joyful noise and grew.

If you don’t have a female relation with email, you may be unaware of this phenomenon. If you are a female relation with email, this is why everyone deletes your messages unread.

For the uninitiated: chain mail is spam cheesily disguised as a special blessing, good fortune or nice day greeting, but not really. It is sent to you because you have an unimaginative, bored, superstitious (and/or all of the previous) girlfriend, aunt, sister, mother, cousin, daughter, great-aunt, grandmother or any of the prior in a “step” version.

The following is just one example of the hundreds of chain mail ‘blessings’ that I have deleted over the years, I hope you find it a useful example in that it is illustrative of all chain mail and can therefore be used as a warning. Ladies, DO NOT Fwd. email that follows this pattern:

First a selfish endorsement:
“This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received. Hope it works for you — and me!”

Then why you received it: “has been sent to you for good luck”, or fame, or riches, or 72 virgins, or whatever the halfwit desires.

Then just like every other faith based superstition, following the promise of riches, obedience is required: “must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.” (Specious logic aside, ladies do you ever wonder why you are required to spam others – identity theft, computer viruses. why do you think these things happen to you more than others?)

Now this kind of spam (probably uploading my tax returns right now, you bastards) is irony proof. Directly after threatening me with bad luck after ostensibly sending me a good luck wish, I am faced with a list of 21 things to do to make life more thoughtful. Are you kidding me? How about just one thoughtful thing; don’t fucking send SPAM.

Finally all of the chain letters have the FUN part at the end:
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking..
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks
20-15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

Well ladies, let me share something with you. What I am doing right now, this very moment, I am reviewing the forwarding history on this gift to see which dingbats participated in furthering the hated spam.

Now I am praying to the God of Abraham to smite you (even at the risk of not making a good connection with some dumb job). Dear YAWEH; for fucks sake. Smite some spam happy bitches! Smite them, SMITE! SMITE! SMITE! Hmmmmm…If my prayer is answered every one of you wakes up tomorrow with a bubbling yeast infection.